The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
