Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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