Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
