if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
