she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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