And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
