I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
