made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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