dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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