dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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