God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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