I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
