Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
