i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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