Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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