Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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