So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
