I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize