She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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