Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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