nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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