Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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