i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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