I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
