I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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