I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
