if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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