Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I am available for nakedness
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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