I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
