You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
