My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
