I cannot find my penis.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
