Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
