I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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