The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
