How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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