dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
