youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
