so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
