My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize