My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
