how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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