the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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