Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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