Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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