When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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