I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I wear drunk well.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
