I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
