she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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