I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
