he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
