hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
