Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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