How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
