wrigley field is MILF paradise
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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