Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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